Anita Bonita

("Workin' At The Car Wash Blues"--Jim Croce)     3/17/98

Well, I had just got canned by a corporation
'Cause they wanna save a coupl'a bucks
Tried to find me a good radio position,
But they said I was s*** outta luck
They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius
They glared and they said they were not amused
Now I got them steadily depressin'
Lowdown, mind-messin'
Stranded on-the-beach again blues

Y'know, I should be sittin' in some major market
Situation, doin' AM Drive
Talkin' some trash at the competition, sayin',
"Hey now, no one listens to that jive!"
Instead I'm stuck here dumpin' these groceries in a bag
And waitin' for the latest excuse
For my steadily depressin'
Lowdown, mind-messin'
Stranded on-the-beach again blues

They say a chick with my ability
She should be rakin' in a wad of cash
But I just sit up all night
Until the dawn's early light
And see how long till AOL's gonna crash
Well, all I can do is a-shake my head
The business just don't wanna learn
That stuck on her rear end in suburbia
Might be an undiscovered Howard Stern
So, baby, don't 'spect to see me
On the air or your TV
R&R, or All Access Net News
'Cause I got them steadily depressin'
Lowdown, mind-messin'
Stranded on-the-beach again blues

Yes, I got them very unbecomin'
Bad-news, mind-numbin'
Stuck here in Siberia blues

("El Paso"--Marty Robbins)     5/23/94
What is more "red" than your daily newspaper?
What is so big, it can drive home itself?
It's the amazing Bionic Tomato,
Taking up most of your local store shelf Let us return to the Franken-Tomato
Although man-made, it's a lot like a wife
You'll see it each night at your dinner table
You'll need just one...for the rest of your life

("Theme From The Beverly Hillbillies")     7/1/96
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Joe
Wantsa be an actor so out west he thought he'd go
(To) set out for where the motto is "Eureka"
And say adiós to the town of Massapequa Because Joey, he had the same dream every night
Wanted to...see his name up in lights
His last L-A trip, the only lights he sawr
Came from the front of an L-A poh-leece cawr Well, maybe now it's time we say goodbye to Joey B.
And hope that he'll be sinkin' back into obscurity
But we'll be hearing more from Joe and Mary Jo, I fear
'Cause Amy Fisher could be getting out in just one year!

("Every Day Is A Winding Road"--Sheryl Crow)         3/23/97
Each Wednesday night, something sounds so familia'
My TV screen is like Queens Boulevard
Looks to die for (with) accents that'll kill ya
The kind that you won't hear performing the Bard
Oy vay, it's true
Just check out Channel 2
If you want your own show, don't go try something new
Talk through your nose like Fran and Deb do (Every Wednesday's a whining broad...
Every Wednesday's a whining broad...)

("The Christmas Song"--Nat 'King' Cole)
Originally 11/28/94, updated for 1997 (lyrics by ab, concept by pm)
Mark Chesnutt's roasting on an open fire
Garth Brooks nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols sung by Ms. McEntire
With folks dressed up like Desert Rose
Everybody knows the Sweethearts of the Rodeo
Vince Gill's ex is on the right
Lots of folks all along Music Row
Will not be getting sleep tonight You must admit this greeting's Diffie-rent
So have yourselves a David Ball
In case you are still not quite sure what we meant
Merry all

("Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey"--Paul & Linda McCartney)   9/26/97
We're so sorry, Mr. Albert
Now you won't be calling Knick or Ranger games
We're so sorry, Mr. Albert
But the truth is, we're convinced that you're a little bit insane
(transition into "Admiral Halsey" section, skipping "Hands Across The Water") (spoken)      A bustier?
(muttered)   Well, "garter belt" sounds dumb, so I put in "bustier"...
(final "Hands Across The Water" section)
Marv is in hot water (water)
He's not wrapped too tight
Keep him from your daughters (daughters)
'Cause he really bites
Oo oo oo oo ooo ooo...

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