Anita Bonita


Scripts are courtesy of Cook Creative Copywriting, for whom they were written.

Date:  8 October 1998
Title:  Mean Gene's Burgers #1 :60 / TFN
Writer: ab
sfx:  restaurant; clinking glasses and cutlery, conversation, etc.
BURGER: (Stereotypical gruff cartoon voice, sotto voce
Hey, you.
GUY: (puzzled) Me?
BURGER: Yeah, you! (pause) Bite me.
GUY:  (shocked) What did you say?
BURGER:  (evilly) I said, "Bite me."
GUY:  (indignantly) Don't you talk like that in front of my...
BURGER:  (leering) Tell 'er she can bite me, too!
sfx: gasp!
GUY:  Why, I oughta...
ANNOUNCER:  What you oughta do is come on down to Mean Gene's Burgers in the Lakehead Travel Plaza! Whether it's a big American breakfast or an All-American burger, Mean Gene's has just the thing to feed your All-American hunger. Hot juicy burgers, kaiser roll buns, special value meals--everything you need, anytime you want...even if it's 6 o'clock in the morning! And if you want your fun on the run, Mean Gene's can do that, too--the Mean Gene's drive-thru is now open for business.

Mean Gene's Burgers, I-35 and 40th Avenue West, conveniently located in the Lakehead Travel Plaza. Mean Gene's--the burger that says...

BURGER: "Bite me."
GUY:  Hey, are we allowed to say "bite me" on the radio?
BURGER:  Heh heh heh...I just did.

Date: 14 October 1998
Title: Massey Used Car Super Center :60
Writer: ab
ANNOUNCER: It's the first thing you see when you leave your house in the morning, it's the last thing you see before you walk back in at night...and sometimes it seems like you spend half the day in its company. That's because your car is an extension of yourself--and at Massey Used Car Super Center, we know exactly what that means.

It means you want yourself and your car to be treated with care and respect--with attention to your needs. And from your first walk across the owner-car care your return trips for maintenance and service--Massey gives you the thoughtful treatment you deserve.

Cars go through a Massey certification, which includes both Massey's Service Center and Body Shop makeovers. Then there are Massey's Car Care Clinics, who show you how you and Massey's Service Center can maintain your "new" used car for years of driving pleasure. And all Massey used cars come with a six-month or six-thousand- mile warranty, adding peace of mind to an already terrific package.

Massey Used Car Super Center...Massey Boulevard in Hagerstown. Because it's not just a means of's your car

Date: 29 October 1998
Title: Hampton Inn/Super 8 :60
Writer: ab
mx: Bucolic semi-classical under, a la "Fractured Fairy Tales." 
ANNOUNCER: Once upon a time, in the scenic hamlet of Wausau, there were two friends named Soupbone and Garnish.
TWO MEN: (tonelessly) Hello.
ANNOUNCER: (sotto voce) I don't name 'em; I just tell the story. (normal voice) Anyway, Soupbone and Garnish sat side-by-side in their cubicles, wondering what to do about the Soupbones' anniversary and the Garnish family reunion...when suddenly appeared the "Good Hotel" Witch of Wisconsin.
WITCH: (falsetto) I'll take it from here, pal. Soupbone--you and the Missus will enjoy a lovely hometown getaway at the brand-new Hampton Inn, with a complimentary continental breakfast and first-rate entertainment on the free in-room movie channel. And Garnish--the new, improved Super 8 Motel is the perfect place for your family to gather. Children 18 years and under--or a third and fourth adult--can share your room at no extra charge, and local phone calls are on the house!
ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Madam.
sfx: WITCH mutters "hmmmmmmph" and stomps off as ANNOUNCER continues.
ANNOUNCER: The Hampton Inn and the Super 8 are also ideal for business trips, out-of-town guests, and your professional and social leisure. We're so sure you'll be happy, we guarantee it! You're 100% satisfied, or your night's stay is free. For more information, call the Hampton Inn at 848-9700 and the Super 8 at 848-2888. The Hampton Inn and the Super 8 Motel.
WITCH: Now the only question left is..."witch" one? [snicker]

Date: 5 November 1998
Title: PetCetera #2 :60
Writer: ab
mx: Holiday instrumental under, in the mode of Mannheim Steamroller's "Deck the Halls"
MAC: (gruff voice, with stereotypical Down East accent) Hello--I'm McCluskey, the Fussy Husky--here to tell you all about PetCetera in Manchester Center.

Now, you may think that all pet supply stores are the same--but it's just not true. That's because PetCetera specializes in hard-to-find and hand-made products manufactured right here in New England, where we've been putting up with nonsense like a real New England winter for the better part of the last four hundred years!

And PetCetera's not only a pet supply's also a training center. And I can tell you from experience, a PetCetera pup gets trained--and stays trained.

But enough about me. I know you've been making your holiday list and checking it twice--and I'll bet that PetCetera can take care of presents for a lot of the people and pets you need to buy one fell swoop. Two swoops, tops! So don't make it rrrrrufff! on yourself--come to PetCetera for gourmet pet supplies and gifts for the discerning pet and pet lover.

ANNOUNCER: PetCetera...across from R.K. Miles, Manchester Center, off Routes 11 and 30. 362-5447. Pet Cetera--Manchester's premium pet shop and training center. 

Date: 11 November 1998
Title: Twanger PraxAx :60
Writer: ab
sfx: drumroll
LETTERMAN: And now, let us open the We-Be-Ess Mailbag...okay, Letter Number One...
ALAN: (intoned) Letter Number One!
LETTERMAN: Dear Mailbag...ever since my fiance saw that Beatles movie Help!, he keeps acting like he's Paul McCartney and I'm the girl guitar. How do I get him to stop? Signed, Bothered in Burlington.

Well, there's a healthy relationship! She plays him like a violin, and he plays her like a guitar!

sfx: rimshot
LETTERMAN: Okay. I can see where that might be a problem. Here's what you do, Bothered: you need to get your fiance a PraxAx, by Twanger. It's a compact, sturdy, portable practice tool for guitar and bass players--kinda like a drum pad is for drummers.
sfx: drum fill, with audience applause at end
LETTERMAN: The PraxAx by Twanger will let him simulate the feel of his usual ghee-tar, because the string tension is adjustable. And he can get all kinds of weird tunings, which he can't do with you...unless, of course, you ain't hooked up right!
ALAN: (pukerishly) But wait! There's more!
LETTERMAN: The PraxAx can be used to exercise, warm up, and practice in situations and places where a regular ax won't do--strap it on like a belt, and it's ready when he you, Bothered, don't hafta be...if ya know what I mean!
ALAN: (pukerishly again) The PraxAx, by Twanger! Now available at Advance Music, on Maple Street in Burlington.

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