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THE FISH LICENCE   This was Frank and Phil's favourite Monty Python bit to perform. They used to do in its entirety--verbatim--and always succeeded in reducing Mike and Anita to helpless laughter.   Transcribed by Dave Sherman in May, 1976; tidied up for distribution by Tim Pointing & Anita Bonita. Clippage courtesy of Monty Python & the Master of the Pan Pizza.    

Customer:	Hello. I would like to buy a fish licence, please.
Shopkeeper:	A what?
Customer:	A licence for my pet fish, Eric.
Shopkeeper:	How did you know my name was Eric?
Customer:	No, no, no! My fish's name is Eric--Eric the Fish. He's an halibut.
Shopkeeper:	What?
Customer:	He is...an...halibut.
Shopkeeper:	You've got a pet halibut?
Customer:	Yes. I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others; they were all too flat.
Shopkeeper:	You must be a looney.
Customer:	I am not a looney! Why should I be attired with the epithet looney, merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a pet prawn called 'Simon'--you wouldn't call him a looney...furthermore, Dawn Pailthorpe, the lady show-jumper, had a clam called 'Stafford,' after the late Chancellor...Allan Bullock has two pikes, both called 'Chris'...and Marcel Proust had an haddock. So, if you're calling the author of A La Recherche du Temps Perdu a looney, I shall have to ask you to step outside!
Shopkeeper:	All right, all right, all right. A licence.
Customer:	Yes.
Shopkeeper:	For a fish.
Customer:	Yes.
Shopkeeper:	You are a looney.
Customer:	Look, it's a bleeding pet, innit? I've got a licence for me pet dog Eric, and I've got a licence for me pet cat Eric...
Shopkeeper:	You don't need a licence for your cat!
Customer:	I bleeding well do, and I got one. He can't be called 'Eric' without it...
Shopkeeper:	There's no such thing as a bloody cat licence.
Customer:	Yes, there is!
Shopkeeper:	Isn't!
Customer:	Is!
Shopkeeper:	Isn't!
Customer:	I bleeding got one...look! What's that, then?
Shopkeeper:	This is a dog licence with the word 'dog' crossed out, and 'cat' written in, in crayon.
Customer:	The man didn't have the right form.
Shopkeeper:	What man?
Customer:	The man from the Cat Detector van.
Shopkeeper:	The Looney Detector van, you mean.
Customer:	Look--it's people like you what cause unrest.
Shopkeeper:	What Cat Detector van?
Customer:	The Cat Detector van from the Ministry of Housinge.
Shopkeeper:	Housinge?
Customer:	It was spelt like that on the van. (I'm very observant!) I never seen so many bleeding aerials. The man said that their equipment could pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards! And Eric, being such a happy cat, was a piece of cake.
Shopkeeper:	How much did you pay for this?
Customer:	Sixty quid...and eight for the fruit bat.
Shopkeeper:	What fruit bat?
Customer:	Eric the Fruit Bat.
Shopkeeper:	Are all your pets called 'Eric'?
Customer:	There's nothing so odd about that...Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie called 'Abdul.'
Shopkeeper:	No, he didn't.
Customer:	Did!
Shopkeeper:	Didn't!
Customer:	Did, did, did, did, did, and did!
Shopkeeper:	Oh, all right.
Customer:	Spoken like a gentleman, sir! Now, are you going to give me a fish licence?
Shopkeeper:	I promise you that there is no such thing--you don't need one.
Customer:	In that case, give me a bee licence.
Shopkeeper:	A licence for your pet bee?
Customer:	Yes.
Shopkeeper:	Called 'Eric'? Eric the Bee?
Customer:	No.
Shopkeeper:	No?
Customer:	No, Eric the Half-Bee. He had an accident.
Shopkeeper:	You're off your chump!
Customer:	Look, if you intend by that utilisation of an obscure colloquialism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch--or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my little chum Eric the Half-Bee--I shall have to ask you to listen to this...Take it away, Eric the Orchestra Leader!

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